another moral hangover. fuck.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
