Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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