Acid is not a monday night drug
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
