It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
