the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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