It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
