I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
