I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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