i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize