Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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