sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
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