had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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