I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
