I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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