Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
