he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
