I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
