you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
