Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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