How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
