first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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