A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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