3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize