He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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