dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I had to cum in my sink.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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