I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
