How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize