My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
