hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
