She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
