I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
