The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
