if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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