i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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