And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
