hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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