My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
