somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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