I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
