bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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