I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
