remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
it's great music for shaving your balls
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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