she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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