So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We need to get me chipped asap
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
