Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
