aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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