im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Liz is crying about burritos again.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
