so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
