I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
