we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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