is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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