you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
