Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
