I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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