im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
