I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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