I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
