i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
