there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize